July 4, 2008 4:46

My Alternate History Novel

The Founding Fathers of the United States successfully develop space travel. George Washington is the first man on the Moon, and immediately asphyxiates.

The Nazis win the Civil War.

Batman’s parents are never murdered, and Bruce Wayne grows up to be Spider-Man.

World War II never happens – resulting in the following movies: Nothing Over The River Kwai, The Much Longer Diary of Anne Frank, The Guns of Nothing-erone, Schindler’s Factory, and What Are We Saving Private Ryan From?

Hamburgers served on hot dog buns, hot dogs served in taco shells. TACOS NEVER EXISTED!!!

President Kennedy assassinates Lee Harvey Oswald.

Playboy is “the dirty one,” Penthouse is “the classy one.”

Robert Harris’ Fatherland is about a crazy alternate universe where Robert Harris is a good writer.

1983 Best Supporting Actress: Alfre Woodard in Cross Creek, not Linda Hunt in The Year of Living Dangerously. This somehow causes Australia to sink into the ocean and become “Atlantis 2.”

Every single plot from the TV show Sliders somehow happens at once.

I get way more action in high school.

Pepsi wins cola wars with surprise nuclear attack.

George W. Bush steals the 2000 presidential election from Al Gore, starts an insane, unwinnable war, bankrupts the country, and ultimately destroys America’s greatness forever.

July 3, 2008 11:06

Parry Gripp of Nerf Herder: The Nerd World Interview

I have not in the past been shy about the love I feel for original nerd-rockers Nerf Herder. And this is no time to start, because I am in possession of an interview with Nerf Herder frontman Parry Gripp, which we conducted via e-mail. It was originally supposed to come out to coincide with the release of their latest album, Nerf Herder IV (or is it just called IV? not sure) in April. But Parry had rock star things to do or something because it took him a while to get around to my e-mail. Then I forgot about it too. Then the other day I was in a restaurant and they played “Mr. Spock” on the sound system, and I remembered to bug him about it.

And here it is. You can tell how excited I am about this because I actually went through and italicized it every time somebody mentions a TV show or something else that should be italicized. Or at any rate I think I got most of them.

July 2, 2008 2:17

What I Learned Today: Hitchhiker's, Trek, Thor, Diablo III

-- Dirk Gently is actually part of the Hitchhiker's universe. I thought everybody should know that.

-- The Star Trek Experience in Las Vegas is dying.

-- Speaking of which, Harry Knowles has seen some of the new J.J. Abrams trek movie

-- If a lot of nerd icons had a big fight, Thor would probably win, because he's a god. Or maybe J Allard. No, probably Thor.

-- Diablo 3: this time it's even diabolicaler.

June 30, 2008 4:54

Friend of Nico B.

Video Games are as much a drug as heroin or crystal meth, in that when you play them, you feel GREAT. I defy any to drug user to say the sensation of sitting back in your couch as that first game of Grand Theft Auto IV loads up doesn’t compare to a veinful of the finest black tar street horse.

Who knows if these games are really bad for you, but this much is true: playing too much feels like shifting your brain into neutral and gunning the accelerator until you smell burning metal. Hours of this super-revving cannot be good for your engine.

So, in a moment of clarity, I quit my Xbox 360 cold turkey. I unplugged my beloved console and all its components – controller, headset, games, and heavy power cord attachment thingy – and dumped them in the console graveyard, with my dusty, unused PlayStation 2 and a super-dusty, more-unused old GameCube. And I miss Liberty City already.

I would love to be what is known in the real drug world as, “a chipper.” That is, someone who can occasionally shoot smack without becoming a junkie. But that is not the case. With a great game like GTA IV, it’s all or nothing. I even found myself using the GTA equivalent of methadone – watching Grand Theft Auto gameplay clips on YouTube. But that path is not the road to salvation.

So, here are the steps I have taken in my attempts at recovery from this powerful addiction.

• I admitted I was powerless over gaming – that I was staying up way too late, then, later, unable to sleep because when I closed my eyes all I saw was exploding cars.

• I came to believe that a Power greater than myself – my wife – would kill me if I didn’t cut it out.

• By use of the good book – the Grand Theft Auto Cheat Guide -- I have surrendered my self to God-mode.

• I made a list of all my loved ones I had ignored – the movies in my NexFlix queue – and made amends to them. (Thank you for accepting me, DVD of Cloverfield.)

• I have renounced the lower companions of my former life: MrKillSplat, SilentButDeadly, BadEwok, Dooooooog23, and CylonSUKKKA.

• Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, I will preach this message to others who game excessively in the most powerful form available to me – a blog.

June 30, 2008 12:40

Why Aslan Is the Worst Thing About Prince Caspian

Since I live in a sub-dimension that's time-shifted a month after your Earth world, I didn't go see Wall-E this weekend. Instead I finally saw Prince Caspian. When I went to buy tickets from practically the only theater in New York that was still playing it, I was like "Prince Caspian, please!" and the woman was all, "I'm sorry, that film isn't playing here." Then her supervisor leaned over and was like, "Yo, he mean Narnia, girl!"

Yo. To my surprise, it was pretty great.