November 30, 2007 11:15
Tivogate (Like Watergate, But With "Tivo")
Okay, I think I have a story here. A news story. Real journalism, not just jokes about what religions superheroes are.*
Here's the scoop: a bunch of my Hollywood jerk friends have gotten calls from DirectTV offering free High Definition upgrades for their satellite TV receivers. But when the DirectTV guy installs the upgraded HD receiver, what he doesn't tell them is: HE IS PUTTING IN A CRAPPY DIRECTTV DVR WHICH SUCKS AND YOU CAN'T USE TIVO ANY MORE. That's right. They are secretly replacing our Tivos with... non-Tivos.
I know two people this has happened to. Two people. That is what journalists call "double sourcing." (I mean, I assume that's what it's called.) The DirectTV DVR is beyond super-horrible, say the Hollywood jerks who've had these inferior dealies foisted upon them. I've seen these craptacular DirectTV DVRs, and I concur. If Tivo is an iPhone (beautiful, elegant, intuitive, expensive), the DirectTV DVR is a rusty can being chewed on by a goat.
Behold the difference: The DirectTV DVR has no Now Playing page. No Wishlists. No Thumbs Up / Thumbs Down feature. How are viewers supposed to register their antipathy towards Landscapers Challenge? Stark, ugly graphics. No Tivo bloop noise. NO TIVO BLOOP NOISE. (The most soothing sound in this world or the next has been taken away, like Victorian Nanny Curldlepinch pulling the pacifier from a golden-curled babe while father is in Batavia looking after the family's rubber interests.) If you left your Tivo on East St. Louis' most crack-ridden corner overnight, this stripped-down shell of a DVR is what you'd have left in the morning.
I called DirectTV to get deeper into this story, and spoke to a guy named Willie. (This is called "reporting.") Willie told me that DirectTV just launched a bunch of super satellites into the sky which are going to blast amazing new HD channels onto our HD TVs -- and Tivo DVR technology isn't "good enough" to get these new channels and their extra features. What features? Interactive sports statistics, cooed Willie. (I hate non-interactive sports statistics, so these must be great.)
What happened to the wonderful marriage between Tivo and DirectTV? "We don't partnership with them anymore," said Willie, bravely creating a brand new verb. So now DirectTV is trying to bully Tivo out of the HD market by a) broadcasting signals that Tivo can't receive, and b) sending a dude to your house to secretly install the DVR equivalent of an Oriental Chicken and Rice Lean Cuisine.
A quick call to Tivo confirmed this. (By the way, Tivo customer service is also beautiful, elegant and intuitive.) Even the best 3-Series Ultra Excalibur Platinum-Class Tivo can't get the new HD DirectTV channels. The Tivo phone lady, Liz, suggested I get digital cable if I wanted to use HD Tivo and get access to the most HD channels. Undergo the life-rending hassle of switching from satellite to cable? Just because I have an emotional attachment to my DVR? Are you on crack... whoever that question might be asked to... Liz, I guess.
Damn DirectTV for jamming an inferior product down consumers' throats via bullying and guile. Is Tivo doomed to be like the Tucker automobile, too good for this world? (As dramatized in what is widely-acknowledged as the greatest Francis Ford Coppola movie of all time, Tucker: The Man and His Dream.) Is Tivo yet another tragic jewel, ground into glass by the lazy mediocrity of corporate monopolies?
Here's what you can do. Don't let DirectTV sneak in and replace your Tivo with their elephant loaf of a DVR. You don't need more HD channels that let you see Chris Matthews' forehead veins in 1080p. Just use your terrific old Tivo until we're all watching TV on the internet, which will happen in about fifteen seconds from now. Then laugh joylessly as both Tivo and DirectTV go the way of the dodo.
* What religions superheroes are: Spiderman -- Church of Latter Day Arachno-Jesus, Conan the Barbarian -- Cromish, Zorro -- Zoroastrian, Martian Manhunter -- Spethodist (Space Methodist), the Flash -- Scientologist (that's the same thing as "Scientist," right? A Scientologist... someone who totally believes in science), and Brother Voodoo -- Voodoo.
About Nerd World
Lev Grossman
Lev Grossman blogs about anything and everything that could be plausibly labeled geeky--science fiction, fantasy, video games, comic books, tech stuff, and so on. If it could get you beaten up in junior high, it's fair game. About the Author
Matt Selman
Matt Selman has worked on eleven seasons and over two hundred episodes of The Simpsons. He currently serves as an Executive Producer. About the Author
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Reader Comments (15)
What is an Elephant loaf? I'm actually afraid to ask.
Posted by Bapa | December 1, 2007 11:11 AM
The land of a little promise.
There’s a land
where beautiful
lapels transform in
emotion the care
of a blackbird, and
over that lamp-post
the rise of a kingdom
describes an intention
in the light of a
fountain; there’s even
the sunshine, a
soul and the prayer.
Posted by Francesco Sinibaldi | December 1, 2007 2:48 PM
Colossus -- Bozhe Moirmon
The Thing -- Thinglican
Professor X -- Greek OrthodoX
Nightcrawler -- The First Redeemed Church of Francesco Sinibaldi
Posted by Leverus | December 1, 2007 4:20 PM
First of all: I don't get the last two comments at all...
Second: I've never owned a real TIVO. I had the Adelphia DVR and now the DirecTV DVR. They both work well... I can record in advance, pause, search for shows, etc. Neither was terribly counter-intuitive or ugly, nor were they Apple-inspired. I guess I don't know what I'm missing.
All I know is the DirecTV DVR is $5/month and TIVO is hundreds for the box AND an expensive monthly subscription. So, as CS Lewis would say, "Screw that, Susan."
Posted by dennitzio | December 1, 2007 6:26 PM
I also have a DirecTV DVR and am very happy with it. Granted, I never owned a TIVO so I do not know what the big deal is about the BLOOP sound. DirecTV rocks. I have used them for years over 4 moves to different states and never had an issue.
Posted by Paul | December 1, 2007 9:49 PM
The replacement dvr unit that Directv gave me makes me want to puke for lack of a more eloquent description. First off the performance of the tuner is spotty at best with random pixelization
occurring at least weekly during our recordings. Second; the ergonomic model for the control of the playback features must have been a multi-dimensional slug because I cannot get this thing to stop ffwd until the next commercial.(In my own defense my nintendo thumb still functions properly) In summary I do concur that Directv is pushing the envelope of corporate brash customer abuse and may even set some sort of new level for the bar of customer dissatisfaction.
Same as you: Directly above the center of the universe.
Posted by LOTUSFACE | December 2, 2007 12:51 PM
I just miss the bloop.
Posted by Larry | December 2, 2007 1:07 PM
Not only that, but if you have digital cable, like I do, and you decide to upgrade to an HD Tivo, as I did, you have to get something called a CableCARD inserted into your cable box, or the two things can't communicate with each other. Supposedly, it's a simple process, just popping the card into the cable box, but a cable guy has to come over and do it personally. So I call up Time Warner to get this, and they tell me they can't do it for a whole month and then proceed to warn me that I won't be able to get movies on demand or some other cable box function when I do. I didn't bother to explain that with TiVo I no longer need movies on demand because between Amazon UnBox and Tivo Suggestions, I have more movies at my finger tips than I can ever possibly hope to watch. I'm assuming that they're dragging their feet as a way of discouraging me, but hey, I've already bought the thing.
It's true that once you've got Tivo, and especially if you really know how to use it -- the season passes, the keyword searches, the automatic recording (for whenever Brideshead Revisited comes around again) -- the idea of a cable or satellite co. DVR is pretty dire.
Posted by Lauram | December 2, 2007 9:58 PM
Until three months ago I had never used a Tivo, just my cable DVR box. The differences are minimal at best. The suggestions are crap aside from the odd episode of Family Matters. The box doesn't seem to be able to tell the difference between a first run and a repeat on a regular basis. I can see the 'R,' why can't it? Perhaps it is just because I know what is on TV so I don't need a box to tell me what is interesting. I don't care about the sounds and would gladly turn them off but it is not my box and the owner likes them.
Posted by Brandon | December 3, 2007 2:18 AM
I have Direct TV and very happy with it. Get all my HD fine. Will be glad when the all is in HD and won't have to pay EXTRA for it.
Posted by Kelly | December 3, 2007 10:15 AM
I have the new Verizon FIOS service TV and internet both lighting fast. It has the DVR and they have tons of HD. It's way better than cable or Direct TV and cheaper.
Posted by Nellie | December 3, 2007 10:19 AM
all i know is i used to have a Dish Network dvr and i worked there and now i have to have cable and this dvr with cox cable is the same as the first dvr Dish ever made except it holds more than an hour
Posted by Barry | December 3, 2007 10:34 AM
Old news. Bad information. Unreliable explanations.
If this is what you consider real journalism, you need a refresher course!
The DirecTV HR20 models work just fine. Yes, they are different. Like Ford and Chevy are different. But, like different car models, they are both designed to get you down the road, and both work. I had the TiVo HD product for years. It worked fine. It took me all of a week to get the hang of the new units. They work fine.
Things change. And the new mpeg4 channels on DirecTV look great. Sold my TiVos.
You should, too.
Posted by Mike Rife | December 3, 2007 1:15 PM
Man, I'm going back to using my VCR for recording shows. All of these high-tech shenanigans are just tricks used to make people pay more money for things they don't need. I got 50 blank VHS tapes and my VCR still works fine.
Posted by Yadgyu | December 3, 2007 2:08 PM
Any guesses on who Mike Rife works for?
Posted by carlosthedwarf | December 5, 2007 9:23 PM