December 27, 2007 6:17
Video Game Violence Holiday Roundup
SYRACUSE, New York (AP) -- Police and firefighters were called in to break up what was described as an "all-out riot" between members of the Sigma Chi and Pi Kappa Alpha fraternities. According to witnesses, the adjacent fraternity houses were both playing a popular version of the video game Rock Band, called "Beer Rock Band," when the wireless guitars, drumsticks and microphone controls of the nearby games started interfering with their neighbor's controls. Despite strident requests from both groups, neither fraternity would cease their playing. Four buildings, seventeen cars and two Xbox 360s were destroyed in the rioting. Observers described the rules of Beer Rock Band as, every time you lose a round of Rock Band, you drink a beer.
MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin (CNN) -- Kenneth Gurman, 35, was taken to an emergency room on Christmas Eve -- his genitals apparently caught in a hole that had been drilled in the middle of the disc for the video game Portal. According to his roommate, Kenneth fell in love "some chick named Gladys or Glados or something from the game." "Kenny said he had to 'get his cake on,' whatever that means," said the roommate. "He wanted to put his blue portal in her orange box."
EUGENE, Oregon (AP) -- Police announced today that they have discovered the body of a fifteenth plumber, the latest in a series of grisly crimes perpetrated by the serial murderer known as "The Super Mario Killer." The latest victim was Datev Abulian, 50, a sewer worker of Armenian descent. "He sure looked Italian, though," said his brother, Yeznig. "Now he's never a-gonna win."
LORDAERON, Azeroth (Reuters) -- A family of skeletons returning home from a holiday party were murdered by a roaming group of living adventurers, an attack local authorities are calling a hate crime. "This premeditated and brutal assault was clearly racially-motivated," said Sergeant Ribworth "Ribsy" McFemur. "As the warm-bloods were hacking the family to pieces, cries of 'die bone-face' and 'back to the grave, boney' were clearly heard. And on Skull-mas, too. It just makes me sick." Police are offering a reward of a hundred skullars for any information leading to the arrest and flesh-eating of the attackers.
STROUDSBURG, Pennsylvania (Reuters) -- Jason Sanchez, 10, received superficial abrasions to the exposed flesh of his buttocks after he refused to stop playing his Nintendo DS during Christmas dinner. When asked to close the DS and halt his game of Pokemon Diamond, he reportedly told his father, Juan, 45, "When I get to a save point, dickhead!" Moments later, a full-fledged spanking was in progress. The DS was last seen in the kitchen garbage disposal.
About Nerd World
Lev Grossman
Lev Grossman blogs about anything and everything that could be plausibly labeled geeky--science fiction, fantasy, video games, comic books, tech stuff, and so on. If it could get you beaten up in junior high, it's fair game. About the Author
Matt Selman
Matt Selman has worked on eleven seasons and over two hundred episodes of The Simpsons. He currently serves as an Executive Producer. About the Author
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Reader Comments (19)
Your a nerd.
Posted by Jabbe Lauterbach | December 27, 2007 8:59 PM
Those were great LOL!!!!!
Posted by ipisking | December 28, 2007 4:57 AM
Jabbe Lauterbach, you suck. And btw, it's "you're", not "your". Not only do you suck, you have the intellect of the head you suck.
Posted by Jabbe Lauterbach sucks | December 28, 2007 8:42 AM
I'm feeling naively optimistic today... I'm really assuming Jabbe did that on purpose. I don't know why, but I'm playing that hunch.
Posted by Oreo | December 28, 2007 10:10 AM
Pokemon Diamond! What in tarnation!? When I was your age we didn't have none of this Pokemon Diamond or Ruby business. We had Pokemon Blue, and if you didn't like that, you could have Pokemon Red. But if you bought Pokemon Red, everyone would say that you were a dirty Commie. I remember that Billy McTaggert was the first one of us to evolve a Charizard, and we drove around in his Model T all night trying to catch 'em all. Billy got killed over in Korea, and that was in '53. And back then you could get a lvl 15 Squirtle with just a decent Pokeball and some good old fashioned know how, you just had to go all the way down to crazy Old Man Twilliger's and fish around in his pokepond. And sometimes he'd come out with his shotgun you'd just be runnin' an a hollerin' and trying to grab all your balls and git gone before you got your rear filled full of pokeshot.
Posted by Comment: The Movie | December 28, 2007 12:00 PM
Video games are getting more and more addictive and engaging these days. Some how, that explains the resulting violence.
Posted by Takeoffzone | December 28, 2007 1:06 PM
Violence is human nature, if you're going to change that it's called evolution. I'm sure you don't believe in that Takeoffzone, so I guess you're out of luck.
Moreover, I highly doubt that you could find an objective statistic relating real violence and video gaming. In addition you're underestimating the intelligence of the gamers if you think they/we do not see all the hype around this subject and assimilate it into our behavior.
Plus, real gamers don't have time to plot murders and suicides. Even if we did why end the game? PEOPLE WHO TOUT THAT GAMES LEAD TO VIOLENCE ARE JUST TOO LAZY TO FIX THE REAL PROBLEM.
THE MEDIA AND TV SHOWS
STOP SHOVING REAL HORROR STORIES DOWN OUR THROATS,(which numb us to the idea that they are horrible) STOP TRYING TO SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF EVERYONE,(which leads us to the idea that theres no saving us,HOPELESSNESS) START OFFSETTING THE FOUL NEWS WITH EQUAL AMOUNTS OF GOOD SUBJECT MATTER.(which would leave our emotions balanced after watching the news)
RANTRANTRANTRANTRANTDAMNIT
Posted by NICK | December 28, 2007 2:42 PM
I caught a follow-up report on Gnomeregan News today on the atrocity in Lordaeron regarding the family of skeletons that was attacked. Apparently a group of Alliance gankers on their way to the Scarlet Monestary fell upon the hapless family to wet their appetite for the slaughter to continue on unsuspecting Horde fighters gathered at the Scarlet Monestary to rid the region of the Scarlet Scourge. After several hours of camping, the Alliance gankers met their match as a group from a guild which prefers to remain nameless, swarmed over the Alliance ganking scum eliminating them and sending them back to lick their wounds. Justice once again prevails.
Posted by Amanzuul | December 28, 2007 2:59 PM
I just snorted trying not to laugh too loudly at work and it really hurt. Still worth it!
Posted by kitsana_d | December 28, 2007 4:52 PM
Funny. Although, I totally thought the first story of the Sigma Chi versus Pike "all out riot" could have been plausible. (if you took out the second to last sentence)
Posted by lordvoldemort | December 28, 2007 11:23 PM
Yeah, I grew up near Syracuse and I was suckered in... Some pretty screwed up kids at SU, and a lot end up in frats. It wasn't until the "Super Mario Killer" that I suspected Mr. Grossman was playing a little December Fools' Day joke on us.
Posted by dennitzio | December 29, 2007 1:53 PM
Yeah that kid deserved to have his DS in the garbadge disposal for three reasons 1.For not knowing that in the Pokemon games you can save anytime.2 For playing his DS during Christmas dinner when it should be the at least one time of the year when you eat with your family 3. Calling his father dickhead at Christmas dinner.
Posted by jetouellet | December 29, 2007 10:01 PM
Juan Sanchez, I salute you.
Posted by canti | December 30, 2007 6:41 AM
The funny things is I actually started to believe the articles up until the flesh eating and scarred buttocks, man.....that's scarily good literature BOO!!
Posted by Hasznone | December 30, 2007 10:49 AM
Nick, violence is not human nature, instead it's animal nature. Although I believe we have some animal ingredients in us. But we, as mature adults, have also the ability of reasoning to counteract those animal characteristics. Problem is, when teenagers and children are "trained" with endless hours of violent games to kill, steal, etc. Those deeds become second nature for them when translated into the real world, due to the fact that they are inexperienced and less judicious. If you are blaming the media and TV shows for the increasing violence and not including the violent video games, you're not been honest to yourself. If a TV show could corrupt a human being (like you admit), the effect is double fold with a video game because, in the later case, one is "simulating" the violence instead of just been an observer. Lastly, yes I believe in "evolution" but not the kind of evolution you believe in. Go figure.
Posted by Takeoffzone | January 2, 2008 10:51 PM
Cake jokes from Portal...pure awesome.
Posted by Liz | January 3, 2008 1:07 PM
poop
Posted by adsada | January 4, 2008 2:55 PM
in the face
Posted by adsada | January 4, 2008 2:59 PM
Hah Hah!
Posted by ykdty | January 7, 2008 10:42 PM