April 30, 2008 12:14

My Thing About Grand Theft Auto IV

I've never been way into the GTA series. I've been medium-into it from time to time. I played Vice City and San Andreas, but never to state of total unambiguous completion. The sad truth is, I am one of those gamers people complain about, who are totally focused on combat simulation, and there are way way better pure combat simulators out there than GTA. After you've spent some time in Halo 3 and Gears and COD4, etc., the GTA games just look blocky and cheap, the repertoire of movements frustratingly constrained, the AI limited, the fluid modelling of the blood-spatters insufficiently detailed, and so on.

Obviously they sacrifice that stuff to maximize other aspects of the game: the size and detail of the environment, the complexity and sophistication of the story, the freedom and open-endedness of the gameplay. And I'm just gonna say -- and it's seeming sorta obvious as I type it, but just so somebody somewhere says it -- those kinds of things are exactly the opposite of what's supposed to be drive sales among hardcore gamers.

Yes, there is a shocking aspect to the games, because there are a lot of non-combatants around, whom you can shoot and run over, etc., and there is sex -- basic-cable sex! -- in the game. But that stuff isn't really part of core gameplay, and most people don't bother with it that much, except for a few times for the sake of looky-looky. It's not like killing civilians is rewarded. (And it's not like real civilians aren't being killed, in real life, in the actual world, and could use some media attention, for Crom's sake.)

You can get way better-quality violence elsewhere. What drives GTA sales is good writing and storytelling.

And now, Dave Chapelle.

April 30, 2008 1:47

The Gauntlet Has Been PWND

It's been twenty-three hours since 12:00 AM Pacific Standard Time, when Grand Theft Auto IV hit the streets of Los Angeles. My neck is stiff. My wife is mad. My dog is swollen with urine. But after almost a day of Liberty City action, one thing is clear:

Grand Theft Auto IV multiplayer blows Halo 3 multiplayer away.

Will the world ever be the same?

April 28, 2008 11:11

The Smallest Problem In The World

A lot of movies these days are "From The Guys Who Brought You" some other movie. Of course, "From The Guys Who Brought You" is a perfectly bland way of saying -- if you liked Superbad, you'll like Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I did like Superbad, and I did like Forgetting Sarah Marshall. However, this dumb marketing phrase has inflicted a greater wound on society.

Recently, a waiter said to me: "And now your entrée, From The Guys Who Brought You... your appetizer." Oh, God no. "From The Guys Who Brought You" has infected the world of unfunny people trying to be funny. Like "What Happens In Vegas, Stays In Vegas" before it, this little phrase has leaked out of the marketing world, gained cultural traction, mutated, and now every NPR-level recreational humorist thinks this:

WHEN YOU APPLY THE PHRASE "FROM THE GUYS WHO BROUGHT YOU" TO SOMETHING THAT ISN'T A MOVIE, THE NEW PHRASE EQUALS... A JOKE.

And it does not. But the damage is done. All the real-life Alton Browns in the world just got that much more unbearable. Before long, high school history teachers trying to connect with their jenkem-addled students, will be saying "World War II, From The Guys Who Brought You... World War I." Political jokers, making their smart points, will complain about "melting icecaps, From The Guys Who Brought You... global warming."

The only way to tell when this new, insufferable "joke" has run its course is when it trickles down to my Mom. But please let me not be there when it happens. (Great lady, but she still thinks nothing of saying "Why Don't You Tell Me What You Really Think?")

April 28, 2008 11:04

Guillermo del Toro Is Really Directing the Hobbit Movies Really

He is. Or didn't we know this already? I guess it wasn't official before. And it is now.

Good news, right? In a way it would have been cool to have Jackson do the whole series -- there would have been that consistency in tone throughout all the movies. But spending that much time in Jackson's head was starting to feel a bit claustrophobic. I'm ready to see Middle Earth through somebody else's eyes. I don't actually know that much about del Toro -- I saw Hellboy but not Pan's Labyrinth (except that scene with some guy with eyes on his hands, which was cool) -- but everybody seems to think he's a visual whiz. And you know, everybody is always right.

April 25, 2008 3:44

Venture Brothers: The Nozzle Has Been Calibrated

Lengthy preview for season 3. Of. The greatest. Show on TV. By which I mean the one I like most.

Rusty's daddy issues. Still unresolved.

April 25, 2008 10:48

Now in Paper-Vision: Stephenie Meyer

First things first: it is obvious that a nerd did not write the cover line on this week's Time cover. When you see an opportunity for a good Highlander reference, do you take it? Or do you let it slip away?

April 25, 2008 9:47

New Hancock Trailer

Harmless fun. Nice to see some slick CGI use from Peter Berg, who's directing Dune in 2010.

April 23, 2008 10:05

I Am Breaking Up With You Kotaku

I'm serious this time, Kotaku. We've been here before, and I know, I know, I've always come crawling back. But this time I mean it. There's no blame here. We're just in different places right now.

Look at your front page. Look at it. Four stories about GTA IV sales in places where I don't live (Australia, Europe, Japan and...Australia again). A story about an Assassin's Creed patch. Your kid watched Empire Strikes Back. A porn starlet said something about video games in an interview somewhere. This isn't a one-time thing, Kotaku. This is part of a pattern.

And I'm not even going to bring up your obsession with video game-related crafts. We both know what I'm talking about. And cakes. And tattoos. I know there people out there who love those things. You'll find one. Someday. But I like games. Not things that are related to games.

Seriously, I've been reading Kotaku for ages, because (as with most of the Gawker sites) their writers are really really good. And they know their stuff. But my God, I need a new source for gaming news. I don't have time to crawl a million industry sites, I need a thoughtful, well-written, kick-ass aggregator. One that will spare me having to trudge through a dillion flash-lit pictures of Zelda-themed macrame displayed on somebody's depressing-looking kitchen table. Can anybody fix me up? Where do you go?

Update: The Internet is mad at me for not reading Kotaku! To be clear: I get less traffic than Kotaku. The Kotaku writers are better writers, better gamers, better parents, and better people than I will ever be. I never meant to imply otherwise.

But I still don't care about GTA IV bundles in Australia. And a million voices crying out in the wilderness cannot make me care.

April 22, 2008 10:29

I Am Back and I Have Seen Speed Racer

Sometimes I get to see movies early. The movie studios all have New York offices, and in those offices they have little plush screening rooms -- baby movie theaters with nice sound and no popcorn -- and sometimes they invite the press to come in and see movies early, partly in the hopes that we'll write something about said movies, partly (I think) so they can watch us watching the movies and get our reactions. It can be quite weird. I can remember watching an early print of The Day After Tomorrow all by myself in an empty room. I think some part of me has never left that room.

So the other day (Friday) I watched Speed Racer with a bunch of other press people. I'm not sure how much I'm allowed to say about it. But it's not like I signed anything, so I will say this: it frickin' rocked.

April 18, 2008 3:07

It's Hard To Be The First Guy To Think Of Stuff

EDITOR'S NOTE: Today's Nerd World post, entitled "Wikipedia Brown And The Case Of The Unreliable Swear-filled Encyclopedia," will not be seen today. Before the author had a chance to write it, he mentioned the idea to someone at work, who told him B.J. Novak from The Office already did a much better version of the idea than the author ever could have done. So he wrote nothing. Please enjoy the work of B.J. Novak.

April 12, 2008 1:22

Swartzwelder The Great

In the Simpsons rewrite room, the biggest compliment you can give to a joke is to call it "Swartzweldian." Meaning, in the style of legendary Simpsons writer John Swartzwelder. Meaning (to me) uniquely dumb and smart at the same time. Meaning, great.

John Swartzwelder wrote fifty-nine episodes of The Simpsons, including such classics as "Homer the Great" (the Stonecutter's show) and "Itchy and Scratchyland." But now, Swartzwelder has left television and written five novels. Four novels about a really dumb detective, and one about a really dumb Old West Town.

John Swartzwelder is immensely private. He would not want to be blogged about. The only personal fact about him I will share is that he claims to own the first baseball ever made. Swartzwelder self-published his work, so there's no big corporation buying huge ads and shoving his books on reviewers. There is no machine telling the public what they need to know about John Swartzwelder, so I will do my best:

John Swartzwelder is one of the greatest comedy minds of all time. He is the comedy writer whose words makes the best comedy writers in the world laugh out loud. And it's about time people found out about it. He's not a wit, or a satirist, or a humorist. These terms are weak, and John is strong. Swartzwelder is a Comedy Writer. He writes funny stories full of great jokes. Line for line, John's books have more great jokes in them than anything else you can read.

Or, to quote another underappreciated Simpsons genius, Dan Greaney: "Years ago, I described John Swartzwelder to a reporter from The New York Times as the greatest writer in the English language in any form. Now, having finally made it through one of his novels, I am pleased to say I was right. Swartzwelder combines a nearly double-Borgesian density of imaginative invention with the unpretentious readability of dime novel."

John doesn't write to the tastes of the literary world. He writes for himself. He writes about time machines and fist fights and carnies and aliens and gangsters and explosions. If you don't like these things, then head right over to the David Sedaris aisle. Swartzwelder's latest book, Dead Men Scare Me Stupid, just popped up on Amazon. I haven't read it yet, but as soon as I post this, believe you me, I'm a-gonna. So join me in the battle to get this guy the recognition his talent deserves. Let's get John Swartzwelder his own aisle.

April 6, 2008 12:24

The Last Scene Of "Fanboys"

INT. LUCAS RANCH - SCREENING ROOM - DAY (1998)

As John Williams' classic closing credits theme plays, the lights go up in George Lucas' private screening room. Our heroes have done it. The fanboys have seen "The Phantom Menace."

FANBOY #1: What the hell was that?

FANBOY #2: Midi-chlorians? Midi-chlorians!? What -- the force is a blood disease?

FANBOY#3: That movie was racist to, like, three races!

FANBOY #1: Meesa childhood go boom.

CANCER FANBOY: (WEAK) Why didn't we break into the Wachowski Brothers' ranch instead? "The Matrix" would have been so much better to see before I...

Cancer Fanboy dies.

FANBOY #4: (WAKING UP NOISES) Huh... Wha...? I fell asleep about ten minutes in. Did the trade federation ever lift that tariff?

SMASH CUT TO

End credits in the style of "Star Wars" end credits (presumably).

April 3, 2008 4:34

Don't Read This, Read That

I am once again on leave from Time for a few weeks to finish up a book I'm working on. (Do not ever sell a book. A bunch of maniacs will come after you, tear a Word file off your hard drive, and print out like thousands of copies. They claim they can do this because I "deposited" their "check." Whatever.)

So I will be fobbing off a lot of cheap-ass postings, like this one, a link to a truly excellent analysis of the eternal question, is the Black Sabbath song "Iron Man" actually about the superhero Iron Man.

Um, now watch this Hellboy 2 trailer. OK, bye!

(But one more thing: what is with this trend of directors giving lifeless little intros to their movies? I have nothing against movie directors, but they cannot act or, apparently, even talk in an animated human-like way. And they are not good-looking. Not, you know, like bloggers.)

April 1, 2008 11:37

Who Parodies the Parodist?

Watchmen Babies

Watchmen Li'l Folks