Work in Progress, Worklife, Workplace, TIME

Think Your Job Is Tough? Try Being a Pastor's Wife

In this week's TIME magazine, I write about pastors' wives in an article titled "What God Joined Together." You may not think of this as a workplace topic; in fact, it runs under the "religion" section banner. But make no mistake, being the wife of a minister is a job--and a doozy of one at that. The story begins:

HELP WANTED: Pastor's wife. Must sing, play music, lead youth groups, raise seraphic children, entertain church notables, minister to other wives, have ability to recite Bible backward and choreograph Christmas pageant. Must keep pastor sated, peaceful and out of trouble. Difficult colleagues, demanding customers, erratic hours. Pay: $0.

The story continues,

The basic job description for pastors' wives hasn't changed in a century. But pastors' wives have. The rise of megachurches, dual-career couples and women's independence have complicated the role and in some cases intensified the frustrations. A recent spate of scandals involving prominent pastors has underscored the challenges their wives face. Eight in 10 pastors' wives say they feel unappreciated or unaccepted by their husbands' congregations, according to surveys by the Global Pastors Wives Network (GPWN); the same number wish their husbands would choose another profession. "Wives' issues" is the No. 1 reason pastors leave their ministries. The divorce rate among ministers and their wives is 50%, no better than that of the general public.


In recent years, pastors' wives have found a place to vent. PWs (in electronic shorthand) from Fargo to Fiji reach out to and support one another in lively fellowship via Web-based networks, blogs and online discussion forums. On websites like PastorsWives.org SarahsTent.com and GPWN.tv, they share their thoughts on topics of unique interest, from the banal (recipe ideas for a mother-daughter prayer brunch) to the intimate (how to confront a pastor husband who is addicted to porn). When a Seattle pastor blogged that Ted Haggard's wife was to blame for his infidelity, PW chat boards lit up in her defense.

Curious about life as a pastor's wife? Or perhaps you're a pastor's wife eager for Internet connections? Following is a guide to the online networks and blogs I reported on in the story.

PASTOR'S WIFE WEB SITES

GPWN.tv
This is the web site of the Global Pastors Wives Network. The web site, launched last September, features lots of video clips instructing pastors' wives on dealing with issues unique to them--such as how to build a youth ministry, raising children in a pastor's household, and facing marital issues.

PastorsWives.org
This lively, extensive and popular site features message boards, lessons on how to prepare a devotional, a section on "marriage matters" that includes an article on how to confront a pastor husband who is addicted to porn, and, of course, recipes.

Love, Life and Living Ministries
Stephanie Elzy, the wife of a former pastor, runs this web site for other FPWs--be they divorced from pastors, widowed, or married to men who are no longer pastors. She and her husband Rod also offer marital counseling to pastors' wives and FPWs.

StephHeadshotNospecsLft.jpg
Stephanie Elzy, FPW and creator of Love, Life and Living Ministries. / Photo courtesy of Stephanie Elzy

PastorsWife.com
Idaho PW Janice Hildreth runs this fun, sweet site. She writes: "I, no doubt, have a lot in common with you. I took a job for which I was woefully unprepared and have fashioned it into a life I love." I interviewed Janice and will post her very interesting experiences later.

LoisEvans.org
Lois Evans, a prominent PW based in Dallas, holds forth here. The site and her efforts seem to focus on "senior" PWs, or those with experience in their roles whose husbands lead large congregations.

Family in Focus
This is a collection of articles helpful to pastors' wives from the satellite site of the Denver-based Christian support group, Family in Focus.

SarahsTent.com
Here's a site founded way back in 1997 by illustrator Shannon Parish. She writes: "As a wife we often fall between the cracks, have hurts and struggles and unrealistic expectations put upon us that only another pastor's wife could understand and other women would never dream of! After all...Who better to share our experiences, cry, laugh, vent, pray and encourage, than other Ministers' Wives?" Sarah's Tent is "a ministry devoted to gathering together God's silent warriors, the wives of pastors and ministers of all denominations and cultural backgrounds, as well as their families, for fellowship, support, laughter and prayer."

PastorsWife.net
Like its name, this is a simple, sweet site with recipes for entertaining and ideas for banquet themes.

PASTOR'S WIFE BLOGS [Lisa's favorites]

Not Your Typical Pastor's Wife
I love this blog by Amy Andrews, whose intro to her site, WithPurpose.com, reads: "I'm Amy. I've got issues. And I'm the pastor's wife." She blogs with honesty and believability about issues big and small from her post in Rochester, N.Y.

amy.jpg
Not your typical pastor's wife: blogger Amy Andrews. / Photo courtesy of Amy Andrews

Rebellious Pastor's Wife
PW Lora Horn blogs here from her lonely post in rural Garrett, Ind. She's a homeschooling mom (as is Amy Andrews) with deep, complicated thoughts about faith, knitting and baseball.

| Sphere Related Blogs & Articles |

Reader Comments (20)

Lisa, thanks for taking a look into the "fishbowl" - especially the modern fishbowl that we PWs are part of! I am a headhunter by day, PW by night, and having a fun time living the life. I don't know of another job where being married to someone brings so much responsibility (perhaps politicans face the same thing). Anyway, we appreciate your article and attention!

lindap:

Lisa - Thank you so much for addressing this issue. I literally read it out loud to my minister husband and then ran to my computer to check out the websites. I have been a PW for nine years and just this week was saying to a friend that while my husband had seminary training to prepare him, I have been fumbling and feeling my way along. It is a rich, rewarding "job" but it has been a difficult one as well. I never imagined that I would be a PW but the road ahead will be much easier by talking and sharing with others in the same boat. Thanks for bringing this all to light.

What is interesting (is it telling?) is that almost all of the sites mentioned and the focus of the article is on evangelical PW's. I don't think it's much different in Mainline Protestant Churches -- but there are probably some differences. And, in most Mainline denominations there's something else -- Pastor's Husbands. I wonder though if the expectations are different.

I am of course a pastor and my wife found this article very revealing.

Lisa,

You did an extremely interesting and perceptive job of covering what we do. I so enjoyed reading it and finding even more websites I can visit.

Thank you,

Janice Hildreth

Thank you Lisa for a very good article.

Lora Horn
Rebellious Pastor's Wife

Dakota Mom:

I think this article was spot-on. I'm a former PW whose husband is now a chaplain in the US Air Force. I call myself a ministry wife, as our small chapel is about the same size as the churches my husband used to pastor.

Denise Jacobs:

Thank you so much for addressing this issue. It seems sometimes I feel like I am alone in this. I have found great comfort in my own website and have found a wonderful tool to express myself via the web. Its called Connecting Members. They have a wonderful to spread the word of God. There website is www.connectingmembers.com

Carolyn Marshall:

For 14 years I was the wife of a Unitarian minister. Since I had been an active lay leader and knew my husband was a minister when I married him, I thought I knew what to expect. NOT AT ALL. MOst of the things I did as a lay leader, I could not do as a minister's wife. I have been a widow for 12 years and am slowly finding my way back to church - not the one WE served. It is not just evangelical pw that face the issues. All ministerial spouses do.

lisa:
I am one come from Beijing, China's youth
, after reading your article, I discovered that the place does not work : you moved, but from the minor details of life. My English is not good, please forgive me for the venture. We have a lot of young people in China are seeking is not the freedom of the individual but the future of their families will be able to seek comfort. Almost all the young people in China is the biggest hope for : Let his father, a good mother can spend their twilight years. The happy family is built on peace, on the basis of harmony. When young age is getting up, and his father, mother became old. in the upbringing of their hard-us We must have the obligation to take care of them. many years because they have no time to enjoy life.Now, the news media have reported almost positive that outstanding side. National television. radio stations are controlled by the government.Some of the smaller parts of the poor, the government does not permit television and radio coverage.Reporters dare not write, if someone will write a report.China fact of life of older people is not good, especially in rural areas.China has 900 million farmers, but farmers have declined each. Not land loss not decrease in the amount of tillable land. corrupt officials in government is too much, although the state has a good policy, but that there are policies, Now there countermeasures. Several years ago the state made a "lessening the burden on peasants" slogan. reduce the burden on the farmers. But many did not reduce the burden on peasants. rather heavier. government officials who have very hypocritical,They want a variety of ways to exploit the peasants and farmers living or not, no option but to the cities to find temporary work. in the city also suffered from discrimination. Most farmers have no culture, relatively stable in the city can not find a job, can only mining, construction sites,restaurants, ...... betrayed the physical construction of roads. safety and basic health care still not guaranteed salaries, These mining industry, mostly by the local government bosses. Only then will they again be exploited.There are many things in a short period of time here will never finish. I was shooting a film, television filming of workers I have seven years of film and television industries. Many of the films reflect social reality, we will not be able to shoot a show and broadcast. because The Chinese government controls the marketing of films and television.Sometimes we shoot films reflecting rural themes. Description of the film is not only bad side is the good side. If practical shooting Governments must stop this trial will not approve the film. Unless we find ourselves in the foreign film market.
I traveled to many parts of China. see many undesirable phenomenon. I understand that the development of our country, a lot of satisfaction. But under the leadership of the Communist Party of China is a very young country.Although there are many unresolved issues. However, I believe China will gradually resolved with the passage of time later. The Chinese government will be more fair and honest.
Tomorrow will be better, a better world.
Thank you read is limited, rush hours. I can write here.
Alias:Midnight comes
06/ 04/2007
beijing.china readers, after reading your article, I discovered that the place does not work : you moved, but from the minor details of life. My English is not good, please forgive me for the venture. We have a lot of young people in China are seeking is not the freedom of the individual but the future of their families will be able to seek comfort. Almost all the young people in China is the biggest hope for : Let his father, a good mother can spend their twilight years. The happy family is built on peace, on the basis of harmony. When young age is getting up, and his father, mother became old. in the upbringing of their hard-us We must have the obligation to take care of them. many years because they have no time to enjoy life.Now, the news media have reported almost positive that outstanding side. National television. radio stations are controlled by the government.Some of the smaller parts of the poor, the government does not permit television and radio coverage.Reporters dare not write, if someone will write a report.China fact of life of older people is not good, especially in rural areas.China has 900 million farmers, but farmers have declined each. Not land loss not decrease in the amount of tillable land. corrupt officials in government is too much, although the state has a good policy, but that there are policies, Now there countermeasures. Several years ago the state made a "lessening the burden on peasants" slogan. reduce the burden on the farmers. But many did not reduce the burden on peasants. rather heavier. government officials who have very hypocritical,They want a variety of ways to exploit the peasants and farmers living or not, no option but to the cities to find temporary work. in the city also suffered from discrimination. Most farmers have no culture, relatively stable in the city can not find a job, can only mining, construction sites,restaurants, ...... betrayed the physical construction of roads. safety and basic health care still not guaranteed salaries, These mining industry, mostly by the local government bosses. Only then will they again be exploited.There are many things in a short period of time here will never finish. I was shooting a film, television filming of workers I have seven years of film and television industries. Many of the films reflect social reality, we will not be able to shoot a show and broadcast. because The Chinese government controls the marketing of films and television.Sometimes we shoot films reflecting rural themes. Description of the film is not only bad side is the good side. If practical shooting Governments must stop this trial will not approve the film. Unless we find ourselves in the foreign film market.
I traveled to many parts of China. see many undesirable phenomenon. I understand that the development of our country, a lot of satisfaction. But under the leadership of the Communist Party of China is a very young country.Although there are many unresolved issues. However, I believe China will gradually resolved with the passage of time later. The Chinese government will be more fair and honest.
Tomorrow will be better, a better world.
Thank you read is limited, rush hours. I can write here.
Alias:Midnight comes
06/ 04/2007
beijing.china


Embarrassed, has duplicated two times. Put to trouble to you.Please forgive.

Alias: Midnight comes
name: chen qiuyu
Contact method:chenoning1219@yahoo.com.cn

Virginia PW:

Thanks for telling my husband and churchgoers what I couldn't tell them myself.

Ashley:

I am engaged to a Methodist Preacher and very curious of what will be expected of me as a PW. Will somebody please help me and guide me through this.

God Bless all
Ashley

tracy hockaday:

I need on-line counseling from a minister.

Ashley,

if you would like to contact me, my email is

rebelliouspastorswifeATgmailDOTcom

David:

In the words of my children, "somebody call the waaaambulance" As a pastors husband you won't get my pity until I get your acknowledgement!

Kasey Burt:

Hang in there girls and remember that being a PW is a calling. That's right...GOD called you to where you are. There is something resident inside you that made you the one God chose for your spouse.

The eye of God roaves the earth night and day looking for those who have a heart for HIM, you did....you still do, even though you may be feeling too worn out to recognize it some days:)

I am a PW, my husband is totally in love with the Lord and yes that means I am second in line for his attention. Although at times it seems I may be a bit further down the line than second:) Point being, if we all keep our heart and eyes on the Kingdom, we won't notice when we've been "slighted" by our congregation, life in general and occasionally our Pastor husbands.

I hope you are encouraged and I exhort you to remember who you are and to whom you belong...a daughter of the King..........

Kasey wburt33926@roadrunner.com

Layla Smith:

I have been a pw for seven yrs and it has been rough . I was just at church today and the members treat me like i dont even exist . They seem to love my husband . And top all that most of the time my husband can not relate to me but he knows how to minister to everyone eles . Everytime I say something they make a totally big deal out of it . I work with the youth there and I get no suport from the members . You know I have gotten tired of this . I am at the end of my rope .

W.:

This is for Layla. Many have been where you are. It may be helpful for you to ponder how you feel about yourself. You have to first love your self and that is okay for the Bible tells us we must love others as we love ourself--but we must first learn to love ourself as God loves us because we are His creation. If you know who you are because you know Whose you are, then you can look beyond what others may do or not do. You are not doing it for them, you are doing it for the Lord and they get the benefit. Look at the people as God sees them and love them anyway, what they say, unless it is true, has nothing to do with you :-).

A Sister in Christ from a state close to NY:

Hi Layla,

I understand how you feel!!! Continue to love God and yourself first! Many don't want to admit it but there is so much bias in the church. I've seen this many times where the Pastor is almost treated like he is God and the wife is like gum stuck on a shoe. Be sure to guard your heart with all diligence. Many times our Pastor/Husband can't understand what we are feeling because it isn't happening to them! Remain focused, pray every day and especially before you go to church. Watch God turn things around. I'll be praying for you to establish a special bond a with a mature Sister in Christ. If you need one, I'll create a special e-mail to communicate with you. I have at least 3 sisters I can go to when I need to talk and share what I'm feeling. In turn, they minister to me and encourage me to keep going or address the situation at hand. I could tell you stories that would make your curly hair straight and your straight hair curly. I'm a very mild mannered woman and I have had to turn into the HULK (in a nice way) to let folks know that they can NOT walk all over me. We get along just fine now. LOL

Grace and peace to you heart and soul... DON'T GIVE UP... The youth that you are working with need you.

libya:

The subject of a very wonderful and distinct
I thank you for continuing excellence
Thank you
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About Work In Progress

Lisa Takeuchi Cullen
Nina Subin

Lisa Takeuchi Cullen is a staff writer for TIME. She blogs about work. Why? Because TV was taken. Think of her as the grumpy colleague ranting by the water cooler.
More about the Author

Email her here:
lisa_cullen at timemagazine.com

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