Work in Progress, Worklife, Workplace, TIME

September 28, 2007 2:34

I was in a commuter marriage

Posted by Lisa Takeuchi Cullen | Comments (14) | Permalink | Trackbacks (0) | Email This

It was no commute a sane person would fathom. From early 2001 to late 2002, I lived and worked in Tokyo--6,737 miles (10,840 km) away (according to this useful calculator) from my husband, who remained home in Leonia, N.J.

Why would either of us even contemplate such a crazy set-up? Work, of course. I was offered my dream job: Tokyo correspondent for TIME Magazine. He was (and is) a freelance classical clarinet player who had toiled many years to establish a career in the New York area. Neither of us felt we could give up our own opportunities--and, what's more, neither of us wanted the other to.

In this week's TIME, I wrote about other couples facing this challenge in a story I called "Till Work Do Us Part" (thank you; it's a cut above my usual crap headlines). I thought our year and a half of marital misery was unusual. Turns out I'm just part of a trend.

How's this for a 21st century romance: Dr. Laura Minikel met Bent Balle on an airplane in 2000--she returning to the U.S. from practicing medicine in Africa, he escorting his parents on holiday from their native Denmark. Minikel and Balle chatted throughout the 11-hour flight and later met for coffee near her home in San Francisco before Balle returned to Denmark. They fell in love (through e-mail) and married in 2005 (in person), celebrating in four cities with friends and family. Are they happy? Yes. Are they together? Not exactly. Minikel, 37, remains in California to practice obstetrics and gynecology, while Balle, 44, an electronics technician, still lives in his homeland 5,500 miles away. She gets to work herculean hours at a job she loves; he gets to help raise his two teenage kids.

Check this out:

Unconventional? Yes. Unusual? Not exactly. Commuter marriages, in which couples live apart for long stretches, are multiplying. Their number jumped 30%, to 3.6 million, from 2000 to 2005, according to an analysis of census figures by Greg Guldner of the Center for the Study of Long-Distance Relationships, a Web-based clearinghouse for research in this nascent field. While military deployments, migratory jobs and economic need have long forced couples around the world to live apart, in America today, it is more often the woman's career that drives the separation. Technologies like instant messaging and Skype make the parting easier by facilitating virtual pillow talk that keeps couples in touch.

Let me say that again: the number of long-distance marriages jumped 30% between 2000 and 2005! What's more, the largest percentage of those relationships--27%--live more than 1,000 miles apart. (Buy the magazine to see the chart, why dontcha.)

As I note in the piece, couples have had to split up to provide for their families since the beginning of time. The interesting twist these days is that, in the U.S., at least, it's often as not the woman who's doing the leaving (or insisting on the staying) to pursue her own career. Stacie Nevadomski Berdan, author of Get Ahead by Going Abroad (who's also just started a blog by that name), says she interviewed many women for her book conducting long-distance relationships while working in high-powered executive jobs overseas. And Jaime Cangas, whom I found through his blog Commuter Family, is evidence of men agreeing to the role historically left to women--to stay home and man the fort.

What I didn't delve deeply into in the TIME piece (for reasons of space, not propriety) is how much this set-up sucks. Don't get me wrong: it's awesome for your work. Being on my own in another city halfway around the world freed me to, say, fly off for a week to the southern island of Okinawa to report on the culture of sex and race fetishism in the aftermath of a rape of a local woman by a U.S. soldier. Or set out at 2 a.m. with my photographer Stuart Isett to the red-light district to talk to girls who had left home. I could work stupid hours, and did.

But I won't lie to you: it was rough on the marriage. That's why I ultimately ended the arrangement and came home. At the time, I had a job offer in Tokyo that was even more attractive than the one I had, plus a lot of pressure from people I admired to take it. I didn't have a job lined up back in the U.S. I saw one career path ahead of me that blazed like Shibuya at midnight. I saw another crooked with uncertainty, but that led back to the man I married. I chose that one.

I also won't feed you the line that some of my sources did: that our long-distance stint made our marriage stronger. I think our marriage started out strong, and remains so with a lot of effort on both our parts. I think we survived the distance. Period. Oh, sure, it was fun sometimes, reuniting in Hong Kong or zipping off to watch the World Cup in Korea. But our marriage works best when we get to sit our tired butts down on the same couch, side by side, to watch The Daily Show.

As for the career, it turned out differently than it would have had I stayed abroad. But I can't say it's been dull. The commuter part of my commuter marriage ended, and for that I'm pretty glad. After all, there's this:

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Reader Comments (14)

John Guise:

I have to agree with you Lisa, long-distance relationships are not easy. I tried it with my previous girlfriend twice over five years and it just didn't work out well (Once while I was living in Canada and she was in Shanghai and then three years later, this time I was in Shanghai and she was in Tokyo). I found there was a lot of miscommunication and a lack of trust created by the distance (there was probably other problems as well but these are the two that pop into my head right now). When the relationship ended it felt like a great relief.

My current girlfriend and I both live in the same city and though we both travel a lot, it's only for short periods. And we find that the best part of the relationship is that we are there for each other and can easily be right next to the other person when we need to be -- not just on the other end of a phone line or a skype chat.

Love the blog by the way keep up the good work.

Posted by John Guise | September 29, 2007 5:38 AM

Peter V.:

Your best post, Lisa. It would be nice if you could write like this more often.

Posted by Peter V. | September 29, 2007 10:44 AM

Heidi:

Recently, I had an offer for a two year graduate fellowship in Nashville (abt 10 hours away from where we are now) and seriously considered taking it until my husband reminded me how hard it had been being only three hours away. Needless to say I turned it down. I sometimes feel pings of regret, but I like being married to my husband more than any fellowship could teach me.

Posted by Heidi | September 29, 2007 2:25 PM

Lisa Takeuchi Cullen:

john, heidi, thanks for sharing your stories. peter, thanks for the compliment (we writers NEVER tire of those). one thing i'd love to know is how often MEN make the move for WOMEN. anyone know? seems to me this is a small stat.

Posted by Lisa Takeuchi Cullen | September 29, 2007 4:57 PM

desert rat:

i read once where a person only makes THREE decisions in their lives: what is their chosen profession, who do they want to spend their lives with, and which one is most important??? As i appriach elderly age - there is a lot of knowledge/experience in that question

Posted by desert rat | September 29, 2007 10:10 PM

Stacie Berdan:

Nice post, Lisa. You asked about stats for men moving for women...I'm checking on numbers but it IS on the rise. In the research I conducted for my book, Get Ahead By Going Abroad, 3 of the 6 women featured in-depth are married to men who made the move for their wives' INTERNATIONAL careers, an even greater risk than cross-country: one to Geneva, another to Beijing, and (mine) to Hong Kong. All three agreed the decision was made as a family as the best decision for all -- and we agree our husbands are pretty special. In the past 5 years, as more women rise in the corporate ranks, aspects of the "traditional" family life will continue to change. That's a good thing!

Posted by Stacie Berdan | September 30, 2007 11:45 AM

LaDawn:

And you couldn't have made that beautiful little girl commuting!

I sacrificed long term relationships for over 12 years whilst I pursued my international career. Not until I got completely fed up, tired out and settled in the UK did I find a man I could build a future and family with.

Sure my career path would have been bigger and stronger if I had continued to travel the world but I wouldn't have my husband and the marriage we have with all its trials and tribulations. Nor would I have the two beautiful children I adore. This future looks brighter than the one paved with endless dull hotel rooms and cold room service.

Posted by LaDawn | October 3, 2007 3:36 AM

Karen Whalen:

I enjoyed your article “‘Til Work Do Us Part” in last week’s Time, and sent it to my boyfriend right away. However, I’m glad I found your blog which filled in some of what I felt, and you agreed, was missing… about how difficult it can be on a relationship. So, as I embark on one of these crazy long distance relationships, what I want to know is what to do to make it work… Yes, technology helps bridge the gap, but what other “tricks” do couples use to stay connected, to diminish some of the miscommunication, the loneliness, the trust issues, or whatever else comes about in this arrangement? I think you hinted at some of the ideas by saying that you met for trips or special events. Plus, I think knowing there is a time limit to the arrangement might make it easier to endure. I suppose as with any relationship, it’s the little things that add up: remembering to say thank you for the sacrifices the other is making; to say I love you and all the things you appreciate about the other person; to send or leave notes and little trinkets for each other; and to save your pennies for cell phone minutes and trips to reconnect and make new memories. Thank you for this article that came at just the right time in my life… and I look forward to advice on how to make my own commuter relationship a successful one.

Posted by Karen Whalen | October 5, 2007 6:40 PM

Kate Amara:

I am at a crossroads in my marriage. I got married in December 2006, so I am still very newly married. My husband is from another country and had a very hard time finding work in my home city of Louisville, KY. Plus he had debt he acquired on getting here. He has in his mind that this debt is the most important thing. And I should be supportive of this. But I am finding that I am sacraficing everything. I have tried to be supportive but find that I get angry so quickly but can't share this with him because he is struggling. I googled commuter marriages and found your article. I was glad to know there are others in a similar boat.

Posted by Kate Amara | October 7, 2007 12:29 PM

oyunlar:

I did the commuter marriage thing for 5 months and I thought it was awful. I had taken a job in a city three hours away and my husband stayed in our old city to sell our condo. I had the fun job of adjusting to my new work environment and finding a new place to live in a city I knew nothing about. When I saw my husband on the weekends, I was exhausted but still had to do the laundry, keep the condo clean (you never know when some real estate agent would call to say they were bringing over a potential buyer) and pack.
oyun
Recently, I had an offer for a two year graduate fellowship in Nashville (abt 10 hours away from where we are now) and seriously considered taking it until my husband reminded me how hard it had been being only three hours away. Needless to say I turned it down. flash games I sometimes feel pings of regret, but I like being married to my husband more than any fellowship could teach me.

Posted by oyunlar | April 12, 2008 10:52 AM

oyunlar:

I enjoyed your article “‘Til Work Do Us Part” in last week’s Time, and sent it to my boyfriend right away. ameliyat oyunları However, I’m glad I found your blog which filled in some of what I felt, and you agreed, was missing… about how difficult it can be on a relationship. ameliyat oyunları So, as I embark on one of these crazy long distance relationships, what I want to know is what to do to make it work… Yes, technology helps bridge the gap, but what other “tricks” do couples use to stay connected, to diminish some of the miscommunication, the loneliness, the trust issues, or whatever else comes about in this arrangement? I think you hinted at some of the ideas by saying that you met for trips or special events. Plus, I think knowing there is a time limit to the arrangement might make it easier to endure. I suppose as with any relationship, it’s the little things that add up: remembering to say thank you for the sacrifices the other is making; to say I love you and all the things you appreciate about the other person; to send or leave notes and little trinkets for each other; and to save your pennies for cell phone minutes and trips to reconnect and make new memories. Thank you for this article that came at just the right time in my life… and I look forward to advice on how to make my own commuter relationship a successful one.

Posted by oyunlar | May 24, 2008 8:30 AM

oyunlar

I speak my friends facebook and msn
Playgames

Posted by oyunlar | June 11, 2008 4:18 PM

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صور كرتون
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Posted by libya | August 30, 2008 2:36 PM

About Work In Progress

Nina Subin

Lisa Takeuchi Cullen is a staff writer for TIME. She blogs about work. Why? Because TV was taken. Think of her as the grumpy colleague ranting by the water cooler.
More about the Author

Email her here:
lisa_cullen at timemagazine.com