Work in Progress, Worklife, Workplace, TIME

January 10, 2008 11:22

Daycare—for my dad

Posted by Lisa Takeuchi Cullen | Comments (8) | Permalink | Trackbacks (0) | Email This

My folks returned to Japan yesterday after three weeks here with their four kids and 10 grandkids in New Jersey. As many of you know, my mom is in the advanced stages of cancer. They made the trip against the advice of her doctors, though her oncologist had finally acquiesced: "You can't live for your cancer," he'd said.

One issue we wrestle with is what happens after. Though she's a full decade younger than my dad, chances are she'll go first. Which means we'll have to figure out what to do with the old man.

Pop's American, unlike Mama, so it's likely we'll bring him back here. But he hasn't lived in this country in 40 years, so it's not like he has a community to return to. Although he's still got many of his marbles—he still totters in to his ad agency a few times a week—he's in his mid-70s and not exactly about to return to the tennis courts anytime soon. Three of his four kids live in northern New Jersey, so it makes sense that we'd settle him near us. But where? How? With whom?

He's not eager to live with any of us. But we're leery of him noodling around alone in his own pad. So on Tuesday, my brother George and I accompanied our parents to Sunrise Senior Living Center in Cresskill, N.J.

"More like Sunset," Pop yukked.

"Or Senior Dying Center," George added.

"Look," I said, "is that a funeral home across the street?"

We like our humor black.

The place was gorgeous. The complex resembles an extremely high-end apartment building, with plush furniture in russet tones and large windows. It features quality dining, media rooms, activities up the wazoo—not to mention round-the-clock nursing care if needed. Seniors can live there independently, but there's aid should they require. Kind of like daycare for old people.

What we are paying for, of course, isn't the deep carpeting or the flower arrangements. It's peace of mind. As you might guess, peace of mind don't come cheap. A one-bedroom in the independent-living division costs at least $4,000 a month. That includes the Bingo but not the shrimp scampi.

It feels weird, entering the world of parental dependence. This is a huge and looming issue for Baby Boomers, I know, but I feel it's too soon for kids born in the '70s. Jeff D. Opdyke explores the topic today in an article in the Wall Street Journal:

The result is that adult day care, an industry that began in church basements with bingo and bag lunches, is becoming an increasingly important player in the burgeoning business of elder care.

National data are sketchy, but individual facilities around the country report demand is growing at between 5% and 15% a year, depending on location. The National Adult Day Services Association, a trade group, reports that these centers care for about 150,000 residents daily. But the actual number enrolled is much higher, since not every person enrolled in a program attends each day. By some industry estimates, adult day care serves at least 400,000 people nationally.

Those numbers remain relatively small, writes Opdyke, because there's still a stigma associated with "care." Well, not if you saw this place, my friends. I want to live there. Not in 60 years, but now. I'd be very happy wiling away my days playing cards and nipping sherry with my girlfriends, toddling out in chauffered buses to the A&P and the occasional Broadway show.

We didn't see this coming, to be honest. We expected our Energizer Bunny of a mom to care for our dad in his old age, and after his final demise to remain in Japan but spend long months with her children here. Like the comedian Julia Sweeney says, though, cancer is God saying "ha!" to your plans. And so here we are at the Sunrise, wondering when the sun will set, and what we'll do without her in the dark.

Oddly, Mama is the only one who's smiling as we leave. I finally understand it's a look of relief. It's not our peace of mind that matters, I realize. It's hers.

Sphere Related Blogs & Articles

Reader Comments (8)

LaDawn:

I can't even begin to think about the death of my father. He's in great health and there's no imminent threat but when his mother (my grandmother) passed away a few years ago I watched how profoundly this affected my dad. I don't think I've ever recovered. Of course, I miss her but more heart break was caused by how deeply distraught my father was. I thought, this is going to be me in 20 years (we hope)!

I am hopeful we won't be faced with these decisions but there are no guarantees.

Great prespective. Your best post of the year!

Posted by LaDawn | January 10, 2008 1:24 PM

Gerry:

Have you looked into long-term care insurance for parents? My employer will be offering it this year and I'll be signing up. At least the financial burden will be lifted somewhat.

Posted by Gerry | January 10, 2008 2:35 PM

Tina:

Lisa, I understand your pain. I am 32 yrs old and I am finally starting my life. 11 years ago, my mother collapsed in our apartment as she was preparing to attend my college graduation (she insisted that I attend the ceremony anyway). She was diagnosed with pulmonary embolus--blood clots in the lungs. It was the beginning of a long decline due to complications from diabetes. Gangrene took her left foot and her kidneys stopped working. She developed cataracts. We had no money for any nursing services, so I spent my whole 20s taking care of her until she died two years ago. I wish I could have afforded a senior center for her, saving myself a lot of sleepless nights and anxiety. I worried constantly when I traveled for work because my brother was not the best person to leave in charge of her, but he was all I had. I think your dad will love the facility once he starts making friends there. Just don't forget to visit him often.

Posted by Tina | January 10, 2008 3:07 PM

Catherine Howard:

I feel you are very fortunate to be able to afford such a place for your father. Last spring my father (82) had a severe stroke. When trying to keep his affairs in order, I found out he had filed a bankruptcy and was drowning in debt. It was absolutely devastating to find this out during such a trying time (he didn't even know who I was). We had grown up in a very affluent way, so I just had no idea of the reality of the situation. I am urging everyone I know to take out Long Term Care insurance well before they get to retirement age so that their children never have to support them.

Posted by Catherine Howard | January 10, 2008 3:44 PM

Lisa Takeuchi Cullen:

ger, that's a great idea. ladawn, tina, catherine, thanks for sharing. i know we're fortunate in many ways, but to me my siblings are by far the biggest blessing: none of the burden or worry is mine alone.

Posted by Lisa Takeuchi Cullen | January 10, 2008 4:03 PM

Kevin M:

Thank you for sharing. I worked for the company that financed and owned this property until 2006. I continue to be involved in this industry because it is so important to take care of those that took care of us, with independence and dignity. Stories like these are very rewarding. Please appreciate the caregivers - they often go unrecognized. Wish you the best!

Posted by Kevin M | January 10, 2008 7:46 PM

Anjan:

Lisa,
Thank you for your concern and sharing.
After reading your posting, I remember my father too, who died 5 years ago.I am lucky enough that I can treat him wee in several hospitals in India for his diabetic conditions, eye problems( Specially Glocuma), and at last- in a hospital- when he had to fight with many diseases. All the time I was with him in Delhi, Guwahati- sometime it was more than a month also, and thank God, my wife & childrens never complaining about my days with my father in the hospitals. My attendence with my father began in 1987 in New Delhi- which is 2000 Kilometers away from my city; and I was in New Delhi four times from 1987 as an attendent. My only brother also accompanying him to Chenai- which is also more than 2000 KM away.
I feel good, when I remember those days of accompanying my father- as he was accompanying me when I was child- to school, to book store, to market, to park, to everywhere!

Thanks for your sharing.

Posted by Anjan | January 11, 2008 1:40 AM

Stacie:

Depending on personal finance and living space, I'm for keeping the parents closeby -- where ever that may be. Two months ago we moved my mother-in-law (a woman I love like a second mother) into a sweet, one-bedroom cottage next to our home on historic main Street in Glastonbury, CT. Before we actually moved her in, she was diagnosed with inoperable cancer. We thought she'd have at least a year and the time spent being close (the kids would visit before they got on the bus in the morning and then run straight to her house after school. But she only lived for two short months there, passing away two weeks ago today. We treasured every day we had with her, spending significant time with her and sharing our life as best we could. Although bringing in outside care is expensive, her quality of life was terrific, she became part of the neighborhood community if only briefly, and we had the pece of mind of overseeing her daily care. We never know how much time we've got.

Posted by Stacie | January 11, 2008 10:23 AM

About Work In Progress

Nina Subin

Lisa Takeuchi Cullen is a staff writer for TIME. She blogs about work. Why? Because TV was taken. Think of her as the grumpy colleague ranting by the water cooler.
More about the Author

Email her here:
lisa_cullen at timemagazine.com